Navigating conversations around adoption takes compassion, sensitivity, and understanding. One of the most important rules? There are things you should never say to birth parents. Whether you’re a friend, family member, or someone simply curious about the adoption process, how you speak matters. Birth parents make one of the most selfless decisions imaginable—placing their child’s needs above their own.
At All About U Adoptions adoption agency we’ve worked with countless families through every stage of the adoption journey. We want to help ensure that all conversations about adoption are built on respect, especially for birth parents. Here’s what not to say—and why.
Why Words Matter in Adoption Conversations
Adoption is deeply emotional. For birth parents, choosing an adoption plan during an unplanned pregnancy is not a decision made lightly. Comments, even if well-meaning, can cut deeply.
Using thoughtful language is not just kind—it’s necessary. Birth parents deserve dignity, support, and empathy. Let’s explore ten phrases that should be left unsaid and what you might say instead.
1. “I could never give up my baby.”
This is one of the most common—and most hurtful—phrases birth parents hear.
Why it’s harmful:
It implies that the birth parent didn’t care enough or gave up easily. In truth, birth parents don’t “give up” their child—they place them in a loving home through a well-considered adoption plan.
A better way to say it:
“I can’t imagine how hard that decision must have been. That takes so much strength.”
2. “Don’t you regret it?”
Why it’s harmful:
This question assumes regret is inevitable. While some birth parents do experience grief, many feel peace knowing their child is safe, loved, and thriving.
A better way to say it:
“How are you feeling about everything now?”
3. “Are you going to stay in their life?”
Why it’s harmful:
This can sound like judgment about open adoption or the birth parent’s role.
A better way to say it:
“I think it’s great that there are different kinds of adoption. What kind of relationship do you have, if you don’t mind me asking?”
4. “At least you didn’t have an abortion.”
Why it’s harmful:
This statement reduces a complex decision to a comparison. It also places moral judgment on different pregnancy outcomes.
A better way to say it:
“Every situation is different. I admire your strength.”
5. “You’ll have more kids someday.”
Why it’s harmful:
This minimizes the significance of the child the birth parent placed. Every child is irreplaceable.
A better way to say it:
“Every child is special. Thank you for sharing your story with me.”
6. “Aren’t you worried they’ll hate you?”
Why it’s harmful:
This feeds into the fear and guilt many birth parents already feel. Adoption agencies work hard to create open, loving communication between adoptive families and birth parents.
A better way to say it:
“I hope they grow up knowing how loved they are by everyone involved.”
7. “Do they even know you?”
Why it’s harmful:
It can make birth parents feel like they’re not important. In many cases, open adoption allows for ongoing connection.
A better way to say it:
“I’d love to hear about how things are going with your relationship.”
8. “Was it a boy or girl?” (Right away)
Why it’s harmful:
This might seem innocent, but asking for details too soon can be invasive. Birth parents may not be ready to share everything.
A better way to say it:
“Only share what you’re comfortable with. I’m here to listen.”
9. “That must have been easy since you’re young/old.”
Why it’s harmful:
This underestimates the emotional impact of adoption at any age. Placing a baby for adoption is never easy—no matter how old you are.
A better way to say it:
“I can’t imagine how hard that must have been, especially at your age.”
10. “I could never do what you did.”
Why it’s harmful:
This puts a spotlight on the speaker and subtly judges the birth parent’s actions as foreign or strange.
A better way to say it:
“I admire your courage so much.”
Showing Support Without Judgment
Instead of trying to explain or compare someone’s adoption journey to your own life, listen. If you know someone who is thinking about placing a baby for adoption or going through the adoption process, your job isn’t to understand everything. It’s to support, affirm, and stand with them.
Whether it’s open adoption or another arrangement, adoption in South Dakota, North Dakota, or Nebraska is built around care, respect, and long-term relationships. The team at All About U Adoptions supports birth parents from the first conversation to long after placement.
How Adoption Agencies Can Help
Reputable adoption agencies walk with birth parents through every stage. From understanding options during an unplanned pregnancy to navigating emotions after placement, compassionate guidance makes all the difference.
At All About U Adoptions, we honor every person involved in the adoption journey. We believe in providing support that uplifts—not shames. And that starts with the words we choose.
In Adoption, Choose Empathy Over Assumptions
Conversations around adoption are powerful. They shape how birth parents see themselves and how society views adoption. Knowing what to never say to birth parents helps create a more compassionate world—one where birth parents are respected, seen, and valued.
If you or someone you know is considering adoption, or you’re just curious about how the adoption process works, we’re here for you. Whether you’re exploring adoption in Nebraska, North Dakota, or South Dakota, AAU is ready to support your journey with heart and honesty.